P.S. Whenever you’re ready… here are 4 ways I can help you embrace self-love and build bulletproof mental health:

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4. Work with me privately 1-on-1

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Caitlin: (00:01)
Hello there everybody. Happy Monday. Welcome to the week. Hope it’s off to a great start. Say hello as you’re signing on. I want to know who’s here. Say hello. We’ll be talking about self worth today. But as always, I have two requests from you. First, my first request is that you just share this if you think it’s going to be helpful to people. So we’re really going to be talking about self worth today and how to build your self worth and why some of us struggle with low self worth in the first place. So if that’s something that you struggle with or you know, somebody who struggles with their self worth, um, I highly recommend you share this and I’d be so, so, so, so grateful if you could. And if you did, it would mean a lot to me.

Caitlin: (00:56)
It’s a great way to reciprocate and really have a mutual relationship even, even though we’re online in this online space, it’s so nice to create a personal relationship. So I’d love it if you could share this. And also, uh, my second request is if you could just really tell me what you struggle with when it comes to self-worth. Where does it show up in your life, these challenges with self worth that we’re going to be talking about today? So what, where do you feel like you struggle with worthiness? Is it in a global way? Meaning is it in every area of your life or is it in a specific way? And that way I can start to address these things as we go through this discussion today. But so where we’re eventually going to be going is that I, I’m going to be telling you about three concrete ways that you don’t ha hear about in most of the self help world or the kind of psychology world that you can really begin to develop your self worth in a lasting way.

Caitlin: (02:01)
Um, and, and, and these, these really come from the world of spirituality and they come from the world of, uh, kind of nature and its rules. So I’m really excited to share them with you because these things work miracles, um, on people who, who struggled with self-worth for 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, 50 years. So I can’t wait to share those with you. Stick around for the solution. But before we get into that, let’s talk a little bit about why people struggle with low self worth in the first place. So our self worth always almost always develops when we’re children. Um, and it’s, it really comes from this sense of feeling worthy of our parent’s love. And so many, many times we don’t get the full extent of unconditional that we crave as children, not because we necessarily have bad parents or neglectful parents or anything like that, but just because they’re busy or they have a different style of love or attachment or they have their own wounds and burdens to carry.

Caitlin: (03:15)
And so they don’t necessarily know how to love us. Well, and so some, and then of course, sometimes we do go through trauma or our parents are, you know, neglectful or things like that. But if when you’re young, if you have this experience of not being wanted, not being loved, unconditionally, not, not really feeling like it was okay and safe to make mistakes and things like that, and then you’ll likely struggle with self worth throughout your life. And it is something that we can correct, but we have to bring a lot of mindfulness to that experience because self worth is not something that like anxiety for example, or depression, which is a diagnosable condition where we can say, Oh this person could be diagnosed with low self worth and all we gotta do is give them this pill to increase their self worth. Self worth doesn’t work like that.

Caitlin: (04:20)
Our sense of worthiness doesn’t work like that. We can’t, we can’t fix it with a pill. We can’t fix it. Just with a lifestyle change. Self-worth is, is really comes from, from the depths of our being. And that’s again because it comes from this real childhood experience of feeling worthy, constantly of our parents love. And so because we can’t fix self-worth from those kind of more clinical approaches, we also can’t just think ourselves out of it. It’s not just to do with the way that we think. It’s really about the energy and the feelings that we walk around with in the world. So I want to give you some example along. I want to first explain how low self worth shows up in our lives. Thank you for pointing out the, I’m going to speak louder now. Thank you for pointing that out. Hopefully you can hear me now.

Caitlin: (05:13)
Let me know. Um, and so when we’re, when we, when we have set low self worth this, there’s two major symptoms of it. One is when, if you see yourself as somebody who’s constantly settling, like if you wrote down, this is who my ideal partner would be, this is what my ideal job would be, this is what my ideal lifestyle would be. And then somehow you are either selling self-sabotaging constantly in some way or if it’s not self sabotage, your just not going after those things. Or you, you know, you want this kind of a partner, but you take this kind of a partner, um, and you probably invent stories, um, rationales to justify. So you might tell yourself, well, nobody gets a good job in this field, or everybody has to have problems when they, when they, you know, in there when they go into the relationships like this or whatever, you might justify it with these logical reasons of why you can’t achieve what you actually really desire.

Caitlin: (06:16)
That’s the key sign that you have low self worth. But the other, the other key sign is just kind of conversational, right? So kind of, do you catch yourself saying out loud? Well, I, you know, I would love to have this in my life, but I’m not worthy of that or I’m not good enough of that or I don’t deserve that yet. Right? So where this came up for me pretty much all my life, um, for many, many years was, was around I love. Um, so I always felt like I didn’t deserve the kind of love that I craved. Um, so I craved this, this, this, this partnership based on equals. Um, I craved this idea of being in a relationship where it wasn’t about completing one another, but it was really about complementing each other and standing strong. Um, and, and, and I always craved that.

Caitlin: (07:10)
And yet every single relationship I got into was this heavily dependent, heavily, um, emotionally kind of toxic relationship, um, where there was a lot of control and a lot of jealousy. And so despite everything that I knew that I wanted and I craved, I just, I honestly didn’t feel capable and I didn’t feel worthy of having that kind of like true what I imagined as a much more true partnerships. So I would get into all of these loves that were on so much a lower level than I actually wanted. Um, and, and I hear this all the time from clients, right? They’ll come in and they say, I want this kind of partner. I want this kind of partner. But, I’m just with this kind of person in the meantime, cause this is all I can find or this is all I can get.

Caitlin: (07:55)
That’s a sign of low self-worth, right? If you have high self worth, you’re not going to just settle and say, I’ll just take this anyway. You’ll say I’m going to wait until the right thing comes along and I’m going to create that right thing come hell or high water. And so that’s, that’s the core difference is that you’re not settling on yourself. You’re willing to wait and put in the time and the energy and the vulnerability to create what you know you want. And if you, if you aren’t doing that in any area of your life, it’s because you struggle with low self worth, right? And so how do we start to change these patterns, right? Because we know that it leads to so many problems, having a low self worth is also the highest predictor of developing anxiety, developing depression. Because if you don’t feel worthy of having a job that you love or a partner that you love or a lifestyle you love or career that you love and you don’t feel worthy of that, then you’re going to keep so much inside.

Caitlin: (08:52)
You’re not going to live up to your potential, you’re going to keep your inside. You’re not going to share your vulnerability because you’re going to think you’re a burden to people. You’re not worthy of taking up that space. And so when you do all these things, obviously you feel incredibly anxious and depressed because you’re not living to your potential. You’re not being who you really are. So low self worth is really, really at the core of, of why we struggle. And so I really want to talk about today, like I said, these kind of non traditional techniques to building self-worth. Um, because they’ve shown in the literature that all even other kinds of therapy, for example, cognitive behavioral therapy, it can be pretty good at building, at helping with anxiety and helping with a few, you know, fears and helping overcome trauma. But it’s not particularly good at helping us overcome low self worth.

Caitlin: (09:50)
So I’m going to depart from more of the traditional psychology approaches to building self worth and talk about what really finally resonated and worked with me and for me in terms of being able to transform my own self-worth. So the number one thing is to receive. Now what do I, what the heck do I mean by receive? I mean receive everything that you want and that you, that you want in life but specifically love. So here’s what’s a characteristic of somebody who has really low self-worth when somebody does something for them. Hey Chelsea, nice to see you here. And when somebody does something for you, you immediately feel like you have to reciprocate. Or like you need to say thank you a bajillion times if somebody you know does something for you or God forbid you have to ask for help. Like you need to ask for advice or you need to ask for feedback or you need help moving or you need help more feel like you’re this tremendous burden.

Caitlin: (10:56)
And so you obviously don’t ask or when you do ask, you feel so guilty and so terrible about asking, right that you’re never really comfortable receiving. And so one of the biggest ways to start to transform yourself worth is to just allow yourself to receive and allowing yourself to receive starts with something as simple as the breath. So when I started this work, I really started just closing my eyes and realized that I wasn’t, I didn’t have to consciously breathe that I was receiving breath. That that something somebody or something too. It was choosing to receive life into me. Right? So that’s the really simplest level you receive. Receive a breath, receive this, right? That’s that receipt of care. But also in terms of the gestures of your life, right? Let somebody take care of you when you’re sick. Don’t, don’t pretend to be okay, don’t we?

Caitlin: (11:56)
When you’re not, you know when you’re sad, let somebody take care of you. Let yourself be low and vulnerable in the proximity of another person and don’t feel like you need to make it up to them or go out of your way to say it. You know, say thank you. Just receive, receive, receive. Right? Like I said, a lot of our self worth issues start when we’re young and for some reason we didn’t receive this kind of love that we, that we so deeply craved. So if you can allow yourself to receive first the breath and then you can allow yourself to receive smiles from people on the subway receiving that love. And if you can allow yourself to receive help at work, if you can give yourself the gift of receiving support by signing up for a coach or a mentor or somebody like that and saying, I, I deserve this and I receive this and I allow this support to come in to my experience, right?

Caitlin: (12:56)
And I am worthy of this. That starts to change our inner narrative of worldliness because we see that first of all we receive. And just like other people, we allow ourselves to receive. And that is an act of worthiness. But also the second thing is that we see that when we receive help, love, support, it’s not a selfish act at all. It’s not only self-serving that when we receive, we’re bubbling up with so much love, joy, satisfaction, comfort, connection, that we spread those gifts to the world. And so we started to realize that us receiving the things that we want in our lives, the things that we don’t feel worthy of our actually our portal to becoming more worthy, becoming better and and achieving everything we want to achieve. But you first have to allow yourself to receive, receive love, receive support. Allow it in.

Caitlin: (13:55)
Don’t reciprocate just this once and see how it feels to just say, I’m just worthy of receiving this love. I do not always have to be the giver or the doer. I can put that aside and just be the receiver. That itself is a huge, huge app that you can do on a daily basis to start to transform your worthiness. That’s the first strategy. The second strategy that you can work in, in terms of transforming your worthiness is to see yourself the way that you see nature. So look at this beautiful world around us, right? If you walk past, you see that there’s so many different, I’m sure you have your favorite, something. Maybe you love the beach or maybe you have a story, a favorite flower or a favorite tree or a favorite season, right? And you don’t look at the world, the animal world or the plant world or the world of whether as being worthy or unworthy, right?

Caitlin: (14:58)
It’s like not that the winter is unworthy of existing or that fire is unworthy of existing cause we like water better, right? Or that this flower is unworthy of existing because another flower is is more beautiful. They all have their own individual roles. They’re all individual beauty, and so when you start to look at nature and you start to see the way that you perceive nature, you can bring your awareness to yourself, right? Worthiness isn’t just saying, I’m the best. I’m awesome, I’m awesome, I’m fat, I’m that drastic, I’m fabulous on all these kinds of things. Sure you can say those positive things to yourself. Positive self talk is great, but it’s also to just be like, Hey, the things about myself that made me think that I’m unworthy, the things about myself that make me feel bad about myself or maybe just bring up vulnerability for me.

Caitlin: (15:49)
I don’t have to pretend that those don’t exist in order to feel worthy. In fact, I just need to see myself like I see everything else in nature, right? The sunflower is no more beautiful than the Rose is no more worthy than the Rose. They’re just different. And so this person might be more beautiful. This person might be more smart, this person might be more accomplished, this person might be more this, but I have my own unique gifts, skills and ways, and I’m going to choose to see myself the way that I see the natural world, which is that everything is of equal worthiness. There’s nothing of more worthiness. A tree is not more worthy than the ocean and vice verse because everything has its own unique purpose. Everything has its own unique value. And so when we allow ourselves to see worthiness as just a characteristic of being alive and that everything and everybody was born with unique characteristics and that together we put a puzzle together which forms the earth.

Caitlin: (16:52)
It’s not about worthiness. It’s not about worthiness. It’s about just allowing yourself to be who you are, right? You don’t have to inflate your self confidence in a false way that often feels really, really bad and toxic. In fact, when we shove positive thoughts into our brain that we don’t believe about ourselves like, Oh, I am so successful, or I am so smart, or I am the best after I am the best writer, I am the best. Whatever it is, you don’t have to force that. You can just say, I’m allowed to be imperfect in some ways. I’m allowed to not be great in this. I’m allowed to be bad at this. I’m allowed to not like this. Give yourself permission to just be a human. Right. And so the Indian study of aryuveda is all about understanding and diagnosing personality types based on the elements.

Caitlin: (17:42)
So I, for example, am pretty much a pure fire element. I bring a lot of energy, a, of passion into the things that I do. And that has a lot of strengths to it, right? Of course I can bring to life anything that I want. There’s so much about this fire personality that is incredibly fantastic and that the world rewards me for. However, on the other side of my fiery personality, I’m incredibly quick to judge. I’m incredibly quick to quit something. I’m incredibly quick to, you know, react and do. I absolutely freaking adore those things about myself. No way. But do I see that those are part of the incredible fire that lives inside of me? Yes. And I know that there are other people who are more watery, who are better, easier at being more flowy, more flexible than I am. I just appreciate them and I have them around and I learned from them.

Caitlin: (18:40)
But I don’t hate myself for being who I am. Right? So it’s again, this self worthiness comes from, from, from the self-acceptance and being able to see ourselves the way that we see the natural world. So the final way that I wanted to talk about building your self worth is to write the movie of your life, right? So again, here’s this place where we have this incredible double standard. We all love watching movies where there’s so much drama, right? We love watching movies where there’s like characters. You know, like I was thinking that, you know, that movie this year with, lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper, like he was an alcoholic and she had her own issues and she was a stripper and she was this. But we love the characters, right? And we love their story and their evolution and the relationship and the way that they compliment each other, right?

Caitlin: (19:33)
And so we wouldn’t enjoy watching movies if every character was perfectly worthy and perfectly successful and perfectly full and, and, and had no issues, right? There’d be no point in watching movies. Life would be dull, movies would be dumb. And so once again, getting out of this perfectionist way of seeing yourself in the world and just coming into this, my life is a movie, right? Go back and tell the story of your life. What have you overcome? What have you learned? What have you changed? You know, I, I coached this 55 year old woman and she struggled with self worth her whole life. And I asked her, you know, what have you created in your life? She said, nothing. I haven’t created anything. I’m worthless. I don’t make anything. So then I said, okay, well tell me like when you were growing up, you know, was the hardest part of being a child.

Caitlin: (20:31)
And she, she said, you know, her mom, her parents were never married and so her mom was always dating and she was never prioritized in the household. She was always meant to sleep on the couch when her mom was in the boyfriend with her bedroom. So she developed this unworthiness narrative very young. Like I said, we don’t get that unconditional love that we crave, so we feel deeply unworthy and, and so she, all her life said she was unworthy. Now I said, okay, well tell me about the family that you have built today. Your own family with your, your husband and your kids. Is it like that? And she’s like, no, I’m so much more loving. I’ve been so much more intentional about that. I’ve really made sure to cultivate, a sense of presence with my children all the time. And I was like, are you kidding that you have nothing to be proud of?

Caitlin: (21:18)
Like, you reversed this terrible experience. You created a new pattern in your family, in your life, right? But I can only see that cause I’m watching the movie of her life from a few feet away. And so that’s what you need to do for yourself. You need to really look at when you tell the story of your life, what patterns have you been able to break through through what tough times have you gotten through, right? What have you been resilient about when you didn’t think you could be resilient? So these are the kinds of things where we’re like, what? We begin to see ourselves as these strong, capable, good kind people. And that’s really the foundation of worthiness. Again, there are many people in life who build worthiness on success, professional or personal. You know, I got the boyfriend, I got the marriage, or I got the job, and then life changes.

Caitlin: (22:14)
God forbid somebody gets killed, they lose a job, the recession happens and their self worth goes crashing down. So that was, that. That’s not self worth. Self worth is, is a deep, deep, profound sense of no matter what my life looks like on the outside, no matter what I’m able to create or manifest, I am worthy of happiness, of love, of showing up every single day to make my life better and to make, and to create fulfillment. That’s what self worth is. And if you look at the story of your life and you can literally write it as a movie, take that, take that picture of, of the movies you, the dramas that you love to watch. What is your favorite movie? How did that character grow? What were their personality quirks? What was, you know, but you love them anyway. They were worthy anyway of the love that they got or the happy ending that they got weren’t they?

Caitlin: (23:11)
Weren’t they? Just by nature of being a human, but just by nature of showing up to their experience. That was it. And so that’s the same thing that you were trying to access here. You’re not trying to artificially build yourself worth based on forcing a positive thought about yourself. You’re a bit, you’re basing your self worth on a more accurate way of seeing yourself and the world. And so that’s really what you want to do. You want to say, I am like water. I am really good at flowing and being flexible and changing to the circumstances, but you know, I’m not necessarily good at counting things down and getting things done and all that kind of stuff. Okay? Okay. I’m still worthy. Just like the flowers are just like the rivers are right. Receive, receive, receive, receive, receive love, receive kindness, receive the smile from your neighbor.

Caitlin: (24:09)
Receive the breath. Imagine that the world is showing up to show, to support you do for one day. What does it feel like to receive that will dramatically impact the way you experience your worthiness. And so that’s what I wanted to share with you guys today. Again, please share this with people who you think need a new perspective on building self-worth. One that’s not conditional on their relationships or their career or their body image, but something that’s, that’s based, who they really are, which is this human being doing their best in life equally to everybody else. So thank you guys so much for showing up. Send your questions in the comments and I will see you some time next week. Namaste