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Caitlin: (00:02)
Today we are going to talk about being “too emotional”. And so a lot of us who are creative or empathetic people grow up, and are told that a very young age when we start becoming, let’s say teenagers for example in our hormones kicked in, that we are too emotional, right? That we’re being too emotional, that we’re too emotional. And so we need to learn how to calm down, right? How to kind of be less of ourselves or not acting on our emotions and things like that. And you know, sometimes this comes from like a good place in that people obviously can see that we’re in rage or were really, really overwhelmed and they want us to help and they want to help us calm down. But I find for the most part, um, it’s not coming from a good place. It’s often coming from people trying to shut you down.

Caitlin: (00:59)
And they don’t want to have to listen to your opinion or something like that. And so they’ll try to shut you down, and so what, here’s what happens when you grow up, and somewhere, you know, in your teenage years or younger years, you can be, you’re told that you’re too emotional. And this happens, of course, especially to women. Um, but what we do is we start to change ourselves, right? And so we start to do things in order to not be too emotional. Um, and usually what that means is keeping that energy. And again, an emotion is energy in motion. That’s what an emotion is, right? It’s just energy in motion, and so in order to keep that energy in motion, emotion, um, inside of us rather than outside of us, because people tell us that we’re being too emotional, we do all kinds of terrible coping mechanisms.

Caitlin: (01:52)
For example, we, um, avoid fights by just keeping our opinions to ourselves. And we don’t, uh, speak our truth or give our opinion, um, or really just express our values or our needs in a situation because we don’t want to come off as too emotional. Another really common way of doing that, is that we smile and we actually pretend like everything’s totally fine and we’re suppressing everything else that’s really happening underneath the surface, right? And people do this in their careers all the time, right? Like you go to work and you’re like, I have to be happy. I have to like be this, this, this, and like doesn’t matter if my kid is at home like sick as a dog and I’m really worried about him or something. I have to be happy, happy, happy, right? So we smile and pretend I’m, so that’s another really, really common way that we tend to react and develop these habits of internalizing our emotions.

Caitlin: (02:48)
Um, another way that we often do it is we just become really, really self conscious and insecure. Um, and so every time we experience an emotion, we just immediately to judge ourselves negatively. I’m not supposed to be feeling this way. I shouldn’t have this intensity of emotion. I shit, something’s wrong with me. Something’s bad about me. Right? And we start to really, really, really judge ourselves. And then we create a deep internal narrative about something that’s wrong with us. We’re not okay with us, or things like that. Another really, really bad way of coping with the comment of you are too emotional. Another way that we tend to deal with this is we just compromise on our desires in general, right? So for example, I meet people all the time as a life coach and I ask them, what do you want in your life?

Caitlin: (03:38)
And you know, what do you want in your relationship? Well, I want them, I want a person who, you know, treats me like this and sees me like this and touches me like this. And, but that’s not practical. That’s not realistic. I can’t really get that right. Like you give up on this like passion, this emotion, this passionate emotion they have of desire that you have for a certain kind of partner or you give up on his passionate emotion you have for a certain kind of career or you give up on, you know, you say, well, I really want to be in this career but it’s not practical. And so I’m going to give up and I’m going to keep my real desires, my real passion, my real, you know, joyful emotions and getting lit up about whatever it is that he really loves to do and kind of stuff it inside so that I can fit into this box, which is more practical or safe or whatever.

Caitlin: (04:21)
Right? And we do this in so many areas of our lives. We just decide we’re going to compromise and stick ourselves into a box, in a box, in a box. It’s in a box in a box so that we’re not too much for other people. Right? And here’s the consequence of developing those coping mechanisms to being told that you’re too much or too emotional. Anxiety and depression. And so specifically why this is, like I said, emotions are energy in motion, right? They are. It’s energy that needs to be in motion and it’s heavy an intense energy, right? Um, it’s that it’s not like, you know, a thought is a light, quick form of energy, but in a emotion is a heavy form of energy. And so it’s meant to be expressed in some way to have some kind of outlet, right?

Caitlin: (05:10)
And so when we keep all of that energy inside, it either contracts so much like stuff it, stuff it, stuff it that it becomes so, so, so, so, so, so heavy inside of us that it turns into depression or we keep, or it keeps moving like crazy inside of us. And it turns into anxiety. But that motion, when you stop putting it out there, when you stop sharing and expressing it and allowing it and things like that, and you just decide to internalize it and stuff it deep inside and either contract it or just let it run, run, loose in you, then it’s either depression or anxiety. Right? Um, and so, so much of the work that I do with people who are struggling with depression and anxiety, and that’s why I had to go on this rant today about, when people are telling you you’re too emotional is because so much of it is this route that people have told you that you’re too emotional.

Caitlin: (06:06)
Then also you just started stuffing everything inside and now you’re dealing with all of this energy inside that you just can’t handle and either tanking you, keeping you in bed making you not want to do anything because you’re so depressed or it’s going crazy and it’s giving you a lot of anxiety, right? And so we cannot dismiss our emotions, despite what you’ve been told, despite the largely male rhetoric that to be an emotional person is a bad thing. What crap is that to be an emotional person is how we engage with life right now. Some emotions are harder than others for sure, but to engage with our lives, to what do we want to experience? We want to experience joy. Yeah. You’re gonna experience love. We want to experience passion. We want to experience engagement.

Caitlin: (06:56)
We want to experience, you know, a bliss and ecstasy and fun and pleasure. And we, we want that in our lives. That’s right. Fulfillment. Those are emotions. Now, of course, some of the times that we’re told we’re too emotional is when, when some of the other darker emotions are coming, like anger or anxiety or fear, but either way, right? We’re emotional beings. And so this idea that like you should not be emotional and you should be completely logical and walk around. I’m like, this is not practical, especially for women. But not really for anyone in general. Number one. And number two, we’ll give you tremendous amounts of disease, either through anxiety and depression. If you decide you’re going to internalize all those emotions and not find ways to express them. So here’s what to do, right? When somebody tells you that you are being too emotional, oftentimes that person is on like feeling on the defensive, right?

Caitlin: (07:54)
They’re feeling like there’s a lot of heavy energy in the room and they’re on the defensive and um, they feel like they want to get away from the conversation or they can entertain the conversation or whatever and they’re trying to like shut you down. And so what you need to recognize is, okay, this person’s feeling a little overcharged right now by my emotions. And so I need to respect and honor that. Um, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get to express the underlying experience in some way. So, that’s part of it. I’m going to give you some practical ways of communicating around this in a second. But the other, the second part of the theoretical framework that you really need to understand around emotions is that any heavy emotion that we experience that’s dark or difficult, like anxiety or anger or sadness or all of these kinds of things.

Caitlin: (08:48)
The only way to start to soothe those emotions is love and it, and accepted. And so when somebody says to you, you’re being too emotional, they’re rejecting you, they’re not loving you, right? And therefore that’s not going to help calm down your emotion at all. And so if you internalize that and you’re, yeah, I am being too emotional, I am what’s wrong with me? Why am I doing this? It’s not actually going to get rid of your emotion. Like I said, it’s just gonna make it sit inside of you. So the first thing that you need to do, when somebody calls you to in motion, is to just acknowledge, okay, well are you, are you calling me too emotional because you’re feeling attacked or you’re feeling unsafe or your are you feeling something and that’s why you want to judge me or you want to label me or you want to shut me down.

Caitlin: (09:45)
Are you feeling something that you need to acknowledge, um, in order to, and then I can help accommodate that, right? So if this other person is feeling attacked or overwhelmed by your level of energy, you can certainly reflect that back and say, that’s interesting. You think I’m being too emotional? What’s that creating in you? What’s that surging in you? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Okay, okay. Well, what would we need to do in order to make you feel less overwhelmed but still give me the space to express what’s the message I have right now? What’s deeply lying inside of me right now? And so you’re not compromising on you expressing who you are, what your opinion is, what you want, what you desire, your vulnerability, any of that. You’re just kind of acknowledging, all right, well this is having an effect on you.

Caitlin: (10:34)
What is that? You need me to take the volume down a few notches? Sure. I’ll probably need to take about five minutes of deep breaths in order to do that. Um, but I still need to make sure that there is a channel that I can communicate what I’m feeling, what I’m experiencing. Um, and so if this person is saying you’re being too emotional and that’s making me feel scared that’s making me think you’re going to attack me, making me think, you’re not gonna be able to have a logical or a rational conversation with me, then again, you say, okay, well what can I do? How can I kind of still allow myself to express myself but not, but, uh, and, and in a way that makes you feel safe and grounded, but I’m not not going to express myself. That’s not going to happen.

Caitlin: (11:24)
Um, and so that has to be really, really, really clear. Otherwise, like I said, you just end up internalizing all of this stuff and you just end up internalizing all of this stuff and then you have to deal with that all by yourself. So that’s rule number one. Rule number two, when somebody tells you that you’re being too emotional, is that you should tell no for yourself and communicate to them that the only way to become less emotional is not by rejected. It’s not by being told that you’re wrong or you’re bad for having these feelings or feeling heavy, but by being accepted and loved. So for example, what I taught, you know, my, uh, my husband to say if he feels I’m being too emotional is I said, Hey, if you feel I’m being too emotional, just tell me, um, I can see that you’re a little overwhelmed or you’re having a lot of heavy feelings right now.

Caitlin: (12:17)
What can I do to support that? Or that’s okay, but in order for me to feel safe in this conversation, I just need a blessing. As I was saying, you have to communicate that what you need in that moment of heavy emotion if they want you to be able to tune it down is love and acceptance and support. Right? And so even if they’re feeling like they don’t want to talk to you at that volume or they don’t want or they don’t have the capacity at that moment, um, to entertain your anxiety or your anger, you have to say, well if it, you know, if, if I want to be able to tune down this emotion, emotions, get tuned down in the context of safety and love. And so tell me that you love me. Um, even though you know, sometimes you, you struggle to communicate with me cause you feel my volume gets too loud or tell me that you understand why I’m emotional, but it’s hard for you to have a conversation with me like this and that you’d like to have a conversation in other way.

Caitlin: (13:09)
Right? And so that’s what you communicate to the other person that you need love and acceptance not rejection. But then of course there’s also your inner work, right? You have to as well. When somebody calls you too emotional, you immediately have to go and practice this self love within, right. Cause again, if you’re too emotional, if your energy is in such heavy motion in such heavy, in such high emotion, it’s because you’ve been triggered. It’s because you’re suffering and you do need love. Right? And this is, of course, I’m just talking about negative emotions and you do need love. You do need acceptance. You do need. So, so shaming yourself or feeling bad or shaming yourself or feeling negatively in some way and having that negative emotion is not going to make you feel any better. So you just kind of say, okay, let me pause for a second.

Caitlin: (13:53)
I’m going to go inside and just say it’s okay to feel this way. Yes. To this sadness, yes. To this overwhelm. Yes to this fear, yes to this anxiety, yes to this anger, yes to this frustration. Like it’s okay to feel this way. Now let me just breathe deep with my experience. I love myself no matter what emotion I’m experiencing, you know, and that kind of positive self talk of acceptance really, really helps just soften the emotional load and helps you ride the wave a little bit. So again, you’re not denying your emotion. You’re not saying, I can’t feel this way, or it’s bad for me to feel this way, or I’m too much. When I feel this way, we’re not accepting that narrative because we know when we internalize our feelings and don’t express them, it only leads to depression and anxiety. And so instead we need to really say, okay, well how can I offer love to myself and how can I, and I need to express to my partner that, um, I, I’m willing to change the way that I communicate around my emotions, but I’m not willing to disown my emotions and I need love and support from them in order to be able to bring this down a notch as well.

Caitlin: (14:57)
So that’s, that’s the key in terms of that minute to minute conversation, right? And so that’s how you navigate it in the moment that somebody is telling you that you’re too emotional, but in the big picture of your life, if you’re someone who constantly is getting this comment that you’re too emotional, you’re too emotional, you’re too emotional, that’s because you’re actually, you’re still somebody who suppresses your emotions. You’re still somebody who keeps in all your emotions all the time. Right? And like I said, there’s many ways that we do that. We suppress our emotions by just swallowing our opinions when we won’t have an opinion. But we don’t want to offend somebody. We suppress our emotions by getting into relationships or careers that are not really what we desire. But we think like, okay, I guess I’ll just settle for this. We suppress our emotions because we tell ourselves, it’s like the nice thing to do to just put on a smile and swallow anything that’s not a perfectly packaged response.

Caitlin: (15:50)
We, we suppress all of our emotions in this way. And so then of course when something small happens, you have all of this energy inside of your body and then like the milk spills on the table or your partner does one little thing or you get stuck on the train and you explode, right? You go nuts. And so, and that’s energy. That’s your heavy energy in motion. But it’s not the energy of just that one unique experience. It’s not the energy of just like the milk spilling or you getting late in your train or having a disagreement with your partner. It’s baggage upon baggage upon baggage of things that you have locked inside opinions. You have not expressed passions, you have not followed. Um, you know, ideas you have not given yourself the space to develop cause you thought people would judge you or shame you in some way.

Caitlin: (16:38)
And that’s why you’re too emotional. So in the big picture of your life, if you want to stop having such turbulent emotions, whether it be anxiety and fear related things or whether it be kind of depression and that like deep darkness inside, um, you have to allow yourself channels for expression. And so what I recommend is to start light to start with something like exercise. Um, but like not easy exercise, like something where you can be punching a punching bag or something where you can really move emotions through your body. I recommend, I definitely recommend art. It’s an incredible channel. I recommend political activism. Um, as a channel. I recommend writing letters about your feelings and emotions and your experience to other people even if you never intend to send them. And then of course, the big picture. I recommend you living true to who you really are.

Caitlin: (17:37)
You voicing your opinion when you have one with kindness of course, but voicing it, you honoring your desires and what you want to become in the career you want to get into, even if it’s not condoned by other people. You honor the healthy and heavy and healthy and joyful emotions and passions that you have inside of you and, and opinions and expressions on a daily basis. And then you won’t have so much of this energy stuck inside you all the time that suddenly flows over and overwhelms, maybe yourself or another person. So, um, if you guys have any questions, feel free to share. I hope this was helpful. Thank you for tuning in. Go ahead and comment and tell me, you know, when people tell you your to emotional, what happens to you and how do you deal and after, after this video, what might you try differently? So thank you so much for listening as always, such a pleasure to be here with you. Namaste