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Transcript:

Caitlin: (00:01)
My name is Caitlin Margaret. For those of you who are new here and welcome to radiant homeless. Uh, today we’re going to be talking about the six steps of healing and really integrating any emotional wound that you have. But before we have that discussion, I wanted to remind you that I have a few spots open in my one on one coaching program. So head on over to my website and click a breakthrough session if you want to integrate all of your personal crises and difficult feelings into a more whole self that’s real radiant and true. Now you can read more about that over in the blog, but let’s get into the topic for today. So as I said, we’re talking about the six steps of healing, any emotional loans. Now, the first question, of course, hi there. Thanks for saying hi.

Caitlin: (01:02)
Nice earrings. Oh, thank you. Yes, I’m quite dazzling today and I, these are, yeah, nice and flashy. It’s all black on the body, so I thought I’d brighten it up a little. Thanks for the compliments. So, um, I’ll go to get in and focus now, but do continue to say hi as you’re here. Um, and I want to start with a question and I’d love if you could write your answers in the comments. And this question is, you know, how do you know when you have an emotional wound? So how do you know that there is some emotional wound that’s deeply affecting the rest of your life? How do you even know that? What are the circumstances that let you know that I’m so, so type a few comments, uh, in so I can see what you guys are thinking and how you relate to wounds.

Caitlin: (02:02)
Alright, cool. So wounds are thank you for, thank you for sharing and please continue to share. Even if you’re watching the replay, I really will come back to you and talk to you on the comments. So please do share with me and make this a two way experience. Now, how do we know that we have an emotional wound? Well, if you are responding to something within intense, intense emotion, and you can kind of tell that that emotion is more intense than it should be, so to speak. So for example, if you forget your keys and you go to work and you are like ready to freak out and feeling so anxious, or if you forget your cell phone and you’re feeling so anxious, uh, or something like that, right? You really, really want to, you’re like, well this is not proportional, right?

Caitlin: (03:02)
I just left my keys, okay, the home, but it’s not a life or death situation. And I know that. So why am I responding so intensely? Right? Um, and again, we have these things all the time. Like if your boss gives you feedback and they say, okay, well, you know, I thought we really could have improved on these three things in this presentation. Um, and you feel terrible. You’re running it around in your mind all night. You’re beating yourself up. You really, you don’t want to go meet your friends that night. You know, that’s another example. Another example of this kind of overreacting is, you know, if a partner says something like, if a partner says, uh, you know, I don’t think, I feel like joining you for that event that you’re going to be going to tonight. And you, you know, internally like you, you decide that that means that they don’t care about you or that they don’t love you and you freak out and you give them the silent treatment or you slam the door on their face, right?

Caitlin: (03:53)
So there’s these heavy emotional responses to just a circumstance that doesn’t really warrant that intensive or response. That’s how you know that there’s some wounds from the past triggering you in this current circumstance. It’s in a disproportional emotional reaction. And so, um, thank you. Uh, okay. Uh, and so what you need to do is you need to start to say, all right, well if I’m reacting in a disproportional way, I need to look back and understand where this is coming from. And so I’m going to talk about today, my own self as an example, as I walk you through these six steps. So when I got married and I thought I was going to be the happiest person in the universe, I thought I was going to be all roses and I thought it was just going to be like the easiest thing in the world.

Caitlin: (04:41)
Um, because I love this person from the depths of my soul and been together for a few years and have a great partnership. Right? And I just thought, of course I’m going to be the happiest person in the world getting married. But I found myself getting incredibly triggered, in my marriage. I found myself yelling disproportionately about things. So for example, um, one day, all of a sudden, you know, my husband would forget to clean up a part of the house that he agreed to clean up and I would freak out. I would be like, you don’t like, I would really, really, really go over the top. Um, and when I wasn’t freaking out emotionally on the outside, I was still on the inside having quite intense emotional reactions and sometimes, and that was, um, just keeping things in, like feeling frustrated with keeping things in. And other times it was feeling like, Oh my God, thank God he’s here.

Caitlin: (05:36)
Right? But in general, I was having a lot of emotional waves and I was like, okay, what is happening here? So I began to look into and kind of realize like, well what is it? And, and one thing that I realized is that when I got married, I immediately became a very different person. I changed my, my routine. I started becoming like sleeping late at night and waking up later in the morning, which wasn’t intuitive or for me, I started eating differently. I started spending a lot more time socializing and on the phone with her, with his family because they, his family really likes to talk regularly. Um, and I’m not somebody who will normally checks in that often. Um, I started going out more. I started drinking more. Like I started doing, I started watching TV for the first time in my life just to do something with my partners.

Caitlin: (06:27)
So there were several things that I immediately and kind of unconsciously started doing and I wrote them off as gestures of love and my rescue wrote them off as like this new phase of my life. I do things as partners, we do some things together and you know, but what I realized was happening underneath was that I was becoming deeply, deeply resentful of the person I was becoming as a, as, as a consequence of the relationship that I, that I was in, that and the marriage that I was in. And it’s not that he ever asked me to do any of those things. He certainly did not. Um, it was my subconscious, um, letting go of who I really am in order to please another person. Now again, these intense emotions made me know that this was not a wound just from this marriage over from this relationship or from this moment.

Caitlin: (07:19)
The emotions were too intense. And so as I began to look back, I, I really was able to zone in on the key emotional frailty, um, that I had when I was growing up, which was this, when I was 14 years old, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, uh, some say type two depression, but bipolar disorder and anxiety, um, and everything changed. Um, so I just couldn’t get out of bed anymore. I couldn’t function. Um, I couldn’t think of happy thought. I didn’t want to live. I was, um, very not okay emotionally as a 14 year old. And my dad, took that as an invitation to preach distance from me. Um, and so he, you know, he, he thought, well she’s going through some stuff, so I’m gonna stay away. And what I read that was, was where the hell did my dad go?

Caitlin: (08:16)
Now I’m doing this by myself and I feel even more lonely. And I read it as like abandonment. And I need to be pretend to be happy, pretend to be stable, pretend to be okay in order to get his love. And so I did. Um, and that’s what I did. And I really decided, just made an internal decision that I was going to stuff my feelings deep inside of me, put on a happy face, and power through with the power of medication and everything else. Um, and you know, ultimately that didn’t serve me in many, many, many, many ways. Number one is that I didn’t have a lot of real friends because nobody knew the real me. Nobody knew what was really going on there in my life because I had to keep it all inside in order to feel worthy of love, number one.

Caitlin: (09:07)
And number two is that of course I was unable to feel like I was reaching my potential as a person ever because I was not able to self express the depths of who I was, the authenticity of who I was. And so when I felt, when I got this huge emotional wound that came up within the context of my marriage, which was that I realized that I was self-sacrificing all this time. I looked at in the face and I saw, I was like, Oh shoot. You know, it was when I was a kid, I was forced, forced to come up with this adaptive mechanism of keeping my dark feelings inside in order to be worthy of love and space and attention from my parents. And so, and, but then after way beyond when I was a child, I continued to do that.

Caitlin: (09:56)
I continue to keep my darkness inside and only be love and life. And so my, I got nicknames from friends all the time, you know, like you’re, Oh, you’re just a bottle of sunshine. You’re just a Ray of joy all the time. And, and the facts was, it wasn’t true. Um, number one. But number two, it made me anxious when they said that, because then I felt like I had to manage that personality. And I did for for many, many, many years, um, until my depression really caught up with me. Uh, and that’s a story for another time. But, so this is where I wanted to tell you that as context for healing the wound, right? Because of first step of starting to heal that childhood wound, that experience I had with my dad as a child, um, is really just remembering the loss and the sadness and the anger that you experienced as that child and really, really letting it out.

Caitlin: (10:53)
So as much as I might say, okay you know, an adults and I’m going to be measured in my feelings, I needed to release that, that inner child that never got to express herself. And so I, I, you know, really went into how angry I was, how sad I was, how pissed off I was, how frustrated I was, how much it ruined. So how much of my life, how much and I, I let that out, not to my dad in a letter, in a note to myself. I did have a conversation with my father later, but that’s a discussion for another time. So I did all of that work and really, really, really, really, really released that energy, right? So it was sitting inside of me kind of controlling me because it was this small type thing and I just released it, which is really scary for people to release their shadow, but that is what we have to do.

Caitlin: (11:47)
And so you first have to release your shadow, right? And just say, Oh my God, what I went through. I was so angry, so sad, so overwhelmed, all of those things, you know? Then the second step to healing that wound is to give thanks to yourself for developing the negative coping mechanisms that you did. Um, so for example, I, like I said, develop this negative coping mechanism of being completely inauthentic, right? So really faking to be happy all the time, never wanting to talk about anything negative, trying to be perfect, trying to be a perfectionist, trying to always, always, always seem like I had all the answers and could be like really happy and never was just stuck in a negative thought or feeling. But that’s not the reality of humanity, right? That’s not who we are as people. And so I um, but I gave myself gratitude for doing those things cause I was like, you know what?

Caitlin: (12:55)
You needed love as a child and so you figured out how to get it. You figured out how to get it in the limited circumstances that you could. And I admire you, Caitlin, for doing that and then go, you have to go beyond that and say, okay, well what are all the benefits that have happened because of this negative coping mechanism that you’ve developed? Right. And so for me, I became a remarkably high achiever because I never let myself feel sad and if I did feel sad, I just never let myself feel those feelings. And I, for many, many, many years, I was a valedictorian. I was captain of this, I got every, you know, I got a scholarship to Columbia. I got a fellowship to, to move abroad and build a company and start my dreams, right? I had all of these really positive things came out of this part of me, this negative coping mechanism that I had deal that I had developed in order to heal that wound at that time, or at least get my needs met at that time.

Caitlin: (13:53)
And so really just saying, all right, well I’m deeply thankful to myself loving to myself for what I was able to develop because the negative coping mechanisms and how I was able to get through that tough time, I’m so grateful. I’m so grateful. Right? And that’s really what you want to focus on is first releasing that inner child and then loving all the negative coping mechanisms that he or she chose it. It’s not always a child, but oftentimes it is he or she chose that that have, not always brought good things into your life, but, but sometimes, and you have to really acknowledge that you really, really do. So that’s the second step. Then the third step is to go back and imagine yourself in the place in that wound and where you got wounded and to imagine yourself speaking up assertively. So I imagine myself going back and telling my dad, Hey yo, where are you?

Caitlin: (14:55)
I’m depressed. I need you to lay in bed with me all day. Hey, hello. What are you doing? Hey, why are you disappearing? Hey, I matter, you know I deserve your love. I’m your child. You decided to bring me into the world. You give all this attention to the students that you teach every day. I want that attention. I deserve it. I need it. It’s mine. I deserve that love. And I really went back and again, this was role playing in my imagination, but I saw myself as that 14 year old girl, incredibly overwhelmed, really being able to like stand up for myself and be assertive, right? And so that’s the, that’s that’s the step that we’re really integrating that, that part of us that we’ve disowned for so long. Right? And so I went back and I, I did all that work and I acted it out and I visualize it and I journaled about it.

Caitlin: (15:41)
I really got into that. And then the next step after you go back and kind of effectively deal with that situation. And in an assertive yet kind and compassionate way is that you have to forgive whoever it is, who hurt you, whoever it is, who caused these circumstances in your life. And so why, why do we have to forgive? Because if we don’t forgive, it’s impossible to let go. And if you don’t let go, you’ll continue to be ruled by that part of you. So you have to forgive the person who put you in those circumstances. And, and for me, that was pretty easy, right? It’s just a matter of asking why. What was the unmet need of this person that, that they were unable to love me? Well, right. And so, so for my dad, I knew my dad had faced traumatic loss in his life.

Caitlin: (16:33)
He had, you know, his father had killed himself. Um, my dad had been through, you know, was in a really not great marriage with my mom. He already had so many intense emotions in his life. Tending to mind was not an option. It just wasn’t, it really wasn’t. He was fully, fully full and he didn’t know how he didn’t have the skills. And so I was able to forgive him because I, I wanted to let that go and I realized that it was really out of his control to fully, fully in that moment, show up as I wanted. Um, so that was really the deeper process. And again, of course all these steps, I’m moving through them quickly, but there’s deep work within each one of those steps to be done. But I’m just taking you through the process so you can kind of understand how we become whole.

Caitlin: (17:24)
So the next step is dropping the expectation that anyone else can ever fulfill your needs ever again. So when I was a child, like I said, I had that need from my dad to love me, right, to love me and to let me be who I was and let me feel what I was feeling and go through what I was going through. But when I’m an adult, I don’t have the right to demand that from my husband. I don’t have the right to demand that from any buddy. I don’t, it’s my job to get my needs met. It’s my job to love myself. It’s my job to sit with my inner darkness. It’s my job to stay authentic to who I am. It’s my job not to sell sacrifice. It’s my job not to cover up any part of who I am. It’s my job.

Caitlin: (18:14)
I have every single capacity within me to do that. And again, there might be some subconscious patterning or old habits that take me out of that, but if I choose to pay attention to it and make it my number one goal, how yes, I can do that. So how do we meet our own needs? Well, again, the primary need that we all have is love, love, love, love. And so you have to learn how to embrace positive self talk, right? You have to learn how to be kind to yourself. You have to learn how to, when your darkness comes up, invited in, have tea with it, show it that you love it anyway. Right? Show what that is, okay. Right? And that’s what I really had to do with myself. I had to take those two steps, number one of saying to my husband, I have compromised on who I want to be in this marriage.

Caitlin: (19:03)
And it’s not your fault, it’s mine, but I need to go back to being this other person. I need to go back to who I fundamentally am. Because that’s what feels good to me. And, and whenever I had darkness coming up or resentment coming up, I had to take just take a breath and love myself through that and heal myself through that. Right? And so that’s, that was the difference. I became my own parent. I became my own nurturer. And that’s how you do it. That you stop relying on other people to meet your needs for security, for love, for compassion, for acceptance. Stop it. And you have to learn how to do that yourself. And then finally, the last step, the sixth step is really to take care of yourself as abundantly as you want your inner child to be taken care of.

Caitlin: (19:53)
Or as that, that the version of you who went through the wound right as abundantly as you would have had them being taken care of. And then in an ideal situation, so again, thinking about when I was 14 what would I have wanted? Well, I would have certainly wanted somebody to lay in bed with me all day and just say, your darkness is welcome here. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. It’s all right to be depressed. It’s natural. People go through this, you go through hormonal changes. It’s okay. So you know what I did? I laid in bed with myself all day. I gave myself permission to lay in bed all day without putting a label on it, without calling myself bad or lazy or judge. I gave myself permission and I laid down for the whole day, right? As abundantly as you would have loved someone to take care of the version of you that got that initial wound.

Caitlin: (20:45)
You have to give that to. Similarly on the other major part is that I wish somebody saw my pain and my depression as opportunities for creativity. Right? As as ways to enter into theater or drama or the arts in order to practice self-expression. I wish somebody had seen that and they never did. And so I gave that to myself. I said, Kaitlyn, feel these feelings, all the resentment, the hate, the difficulty the trauma, feel them and put them into something. Write something, create something, whatever. Ma, you know, cook something. And I really, I brought to life so much through the intense emotions that I, that I was feeling and feel right. And so that’s the sixth step is you have to give to yourself so abundantly what that child version of you or what that wounded version of you was missing. That is the journey to wholeness.

Caitlin: (21:46)
That is the journey to wholeness. You recognize that any strong emotion that you’re having now is not of this moment unless you currently in a life or death situation. And then you start to move into do where is this wound coming from? How can I go back and first express that, allow that part of me that I’ve stuck deep into the shadow. So how can I release in the brain? Number one. Number two, right? How can I thank myself for all the negative coping mechanisms I’ve had to pick up along the way? Number three, how can I learn to go back to that place and reassert myself? Right? You really in your imagination, assert yourself and live through that as you are the strong one with power who could have changed those circumstances for the better. Number four is that you forgive, you forgive and you forgive.

Caitlin: (22:41)
You cannot let go until you forgive and you realize that everybody’s ass acting out of brokenness until you cause you’re going to be hall. Number five is that you drop the expectation for other people to meet your needs right now and you take responsibility for doing that yourself. And number six is that you take care of your needs as abundantly as you would like them to have been taken care of when you received that is healing. I have healed people from PTSD, depression, anxiety. People haven’t gotten out of bed. Somebody who was living in a closet for the last three months, somebody who was in like, you know, a hospital for multiple suicide attempts. This is the process. This is the work. And it does not necessarily involve medication. It does. It just involves the courage to be present with your life, with your pain, with your experiences.

Caitlin: (23:37)
And again, what does it give you back? What’s, what’s, why go through all of this? Well, number one so that I could stop fighting with my husband, right? That was the original thing. Like no more resentment, no more anger, just responsibility and forgiveness and letting go and openness, right? So that’s number one. And number two is you get this so much energy, you have so much energy stored in your wounds and trying to keep up these coping mechanisms you developed for your wounds. And so when you leave all the energy that’s going to that and you start using the energy towards wellbeing and connection and love and healing, Oh my gosh, there’s nothing you can do. So if anybody has any questions, I can look at them now. I’m looking. If you really control yourself and your mind and your thoughts and it’s really a great achievement.

Caitlin: (24:32)
Yeah, of course it is a great achievement and it’s not easy to do, but it is about commitment and practice. Right? And that’s why, that’s why I, again, this is not a onetime process. This is something that you, that you commit to doing until you can feel the energetic release. And oftentimes it’s, for me, for example, in the example that I gave you, it was about three months where I went through this time and I usually have clients who can kind of go through it in the same amount of time, but now you know, right? I am not your life coach. If you’re the kind of person who is interested in just saying, I want to just get over whatever she was holding me back so I can get back to my life. Not, not, not. That means you just want to keep pushing your shadow into the darkness.

Caitlin: (25:16)
You want to just keep pushing your wounds into the past and you cannot do that. You can only integrate them into your power and into your love. And so I am not your coach. If your idea is that you want to abandon your wounds or forget your wounds or cover over your lungs, Nope. You have to integrate them. So that is the work. That is the work, and it brings you to so much light and love, which is of course your true essence. Thank you guys for listening today. If you have comments, please put them in the comment box below or the questions. And remember, if you need some one-on-one healing, you need some one-on-one transformation work. You want to get started on this work, finding a breakthrough session super cheap, just $150 to get started and I cannot wait to see you there. Namaste